Fifteenth!
Hi MJ,
been ten minutes since you broke up with me. for the umpteenth time. and i'm already here :p
funny how our minds work. appreciating things only when they are gone. but i gotta get this out. for whoever's reading this. as Robert Kiyosaki says...some people are important to listen to just because they tell you what not to do.
I think we've always been together. in the subconscious initially and then outright. making even the saints jealous. it was amazing. felt like the biggest achievement ever. like a medal. keeping you happy meant doing the right thing. and doing the right thing meant that no matter who i upset, there's this girl out there who'll be proud of me right now. this would mean little to you cuz you've always done nothing but the right thing. so you won't know how my kind of people with lesser moral fiber feel. God I hated how right you were. All the time. Even when i knew you were wrong i'd know, it was only a matter of time before you realized it so there was no point correcting you.
It's an amazing feeling that comes with just thinking of you. man the air smells funny when I think o you. not kidding. But getting to the point... I've always been the sacrificing types. that's what got me here. and maybe that's what got me you. but then somewhere along the line i became comfortable with myself. not sorry about that. that's what happens when you reward a student scoring an A in 5th grade with the Nobel prize. He thinks this is it. And as far as he is concerned, he did work hard for it. So he thinks he deserves it. But then he goes haywire.
Looking back, things were so easy with you when all I had to do was to skip two days of college, save some, and be there 600kms away. Or just wake up in time and not miss your calls. Or write a letter to you. Or post something here. And you'd be there. The world felt like my kingdom.
Now...I'm here without you. Have been so for a while now, but now that it's dawning on me I'm panicking. Wondering where it all went wrong. It can't end like this.
It was just last month. I had come to visit you in Delhi. The journey was as amazing as always. Then seeing you work at the hospital, (I don't know if I can say this but,) I felt so proud. Wanted to scream..."there haters! thatt's my girl." But then walked in the villains in my story. The good for nothing morons. Watching you talk to em gave me jolts of jealousy. I have been jealous before. But this was weird. But MJ being MJ, oblivious of how I was feeling makes her way out of the crowd and walks towards me. I never got around to telling you that you looked so beautiful that morning. That feeling of "my girl!" was soon replaced with "this one is wayyyyyyy out of your league chirag!".
Then, we took an auto and you started off with how awesome and how stupid some people are. I hated both kinds. I hate every guy whose name comes out of your mouth. If I had my way I'd torch em and watch em burn while I sit with you and talk about Moms and Dads. That whole day I couldn't look you in the eye. The most beautiful thing I had seen in months. Looking at you and listening to you just TALK about anyone else, sent a chill down my spine. Reminding me of my position in this world.
I hated those morons alright but now I wanted to exchange places with them. They're the ones who get to see you every morning. Take you around. Help you out. Make you smile. And talk to you. God I miss talking to you. When you used to pour your heart out over a phone call. I miss you so much.
I began thinking I'm no match for them. You are indeed a Nobel, they the laureates and me the kid from the fifth grade who got lucky. And we'd both agree that this sick thought killed us. I pushed you away. And now I'm in ruins. Hate myself. Hate the happy people. Hate Delhi. Hate the system, the competition, the bloody rat-race. I was frustrated with the thought "How many more competitions before you'll be mine?"
What I did not think was that you loved me too. A sigh here and a kiss there, a 30 hour bus journey in the summers to a desert, just to see me. That's not Nobel. It's not a trophy. I don't own you. Nobody does, nobody can. You're not out of my league. You are not in any league. You are the one who makes the air smell funny, makes my knees tremble. You are all that Love would ever mean to me. Wish I had realized this sooner. and stuck with it in my times of doubt. Being the asshole that I am, I deserved it.
Maybe it's for the best. I was turning into a liability. I know what you did wasn't easy. I know it now. That it breaks your heart too. To let me go. To say that you never wanna see me again.
miss you so much!
-the dumbest asshole ever.
been ten minutes since you broke up with me. for the umpteenth time. and i'm already here :p
funny how our minds work. appreciating things only when they are gone. but i gotta get this out. for whoever's reading this. as Robert Kiyosaki says...some people are important to listen to just because they tell you what not to do.
I think we've always been together. in the subconscious initially and then outright. making even the saints jealous. it was amazing. felt like the biggest achievement ever. like a medal. keeping you happy meant doing the right thing. and doing the right thing meant that no matter who i upset, there's this girl out there who'll be proud of me right now. this would mean little to you cuz you've always done nothing but the right thing. so you won't know how my kind of people with lesser moral fiber feel. God I hated how right you were. All the time. Even when i knew you were wrong i'd know, it was only a matter of time before you realized it so there was no point correcting you.
It's an amazing feeling that comes with just thinking of you. man the air smells funny when I think o you. not kidding. But getting to the point... I've always been the sacrificing types. that's what got me here. and maybe that's what got me you. but then somewhere along the line i became comfortable with myself. not sorry about that. that's what happens when you reward a student scoring an A in 5th grade with the Nobel prize. He thinks this is it. And as far as he is concerned, he did work hard for it. So he thinks he deserves it. But then he goes haywire.
Looking back, things were so easy with you when all I had to do was to skip two days of college, save some, and be there 600kms away. Or just wake up in time and not miss your calls. Or write a letter to you. Or post something here. And you'd be there. The world felt like my kingdom.
Now...I'm here without you. Have been so for a while now, but now that it's dawning on me I'm panicking. Wondering where it all went wrong. It can't end like this.
It was just last month. I had come to visit you in Delhi. The journey was as amazing as always. Then seeing you work at the hospital, (I don't know if I can say this but,) I felt so proud. Wanted to scream..."there haters! thatt's my girl." But then walked in the villains in my story. The good for nothing morons. Watching you talk to em gave me jolts of jealousy. I have been jealous before. But this was weird. But MJ being MJ, oblivious of how I was feeling makes her way out of the crowd and walks towards me. I never got around to telling you that you looked so beautiful that morning. That feeling of "my girl!" was soon replaced with "this one is wayyyyyyy out of your league chirag!".
Then, we took an auto and you started off with how awesome and how stupid some people are. I hated both kinds. I hate every guy whose name comes out of your mouth. If I had my way I'd torch em and watch em burn while I sit with you and talk about Moms and Dads. That whole day I couldn't look you in the eye. The most beautiful thing I had seen in months. Looking at you and listening to you just TALK about anyone else, sent a chill down my spine. Reminding me of my position in this world.
I hated those morons alright but now I wanted to exchange places with them. They're the ones who get to see you every morning. Take you around. Help you out. Make you smile. And talk to you. God I miss talking to you. When you used to pour your heart out over a phone call. I miss you so much.
I began thinking I'm no match for them. You are indeed a Nobel, they the laureates and me the kid from the fifth grade who got lucky. And we'd both agree that this sick thought killed us. I pushed you away. And now I'm in ruins. Hate myself. Hate the happy people. Hate Delhi. Hate the system, the competition, the bloody rat-race. I was frustrated with the thought "How many more competitions before you'll be mine?"
What I did not think was that you loved me too. A sigh here and a kiss there, a 30 hour bus journey in the summers to a desert, just to see me. That's not Nobel. It's not a trophy. I don't own you. Nobody does, nobody can. You're not out of my league. You are not in any league. You are the one who makes the air smell funny, makes my knees tremble. You are all that Love would ever mean to me. Wish I had realized this sooner. and stuck with it in my times of doubt. Being the asshole that I am, I deserved it.
Maybe it's for the best. I was turning into a liability. I know what you did wasn't easy. I know it now. That it breaks your heart too. To let me go. To say that you never wanna see me again.
miss you so much!
-the dumbest asshole ever.
Comments
Post a Comment