Eighteenth!

Hey there beautiful!

   I am writing this as I pack for the leave. Feels nice I admit. To orient you to current situation between us here's some backdrop... as I am writing this you are insanely mad at me. I missed your call yesterday and went on a long patrol. All this while you sat there fighting all the bad thoughts in your head. I am sorry, which I think you already know, but you're right too. The episode cost you another day out of your super tight schedule and you don't want it to carry on beyond reversible limits. I agree. Actually you know what, you just might have picked the perfect time to get upset and fed up of waiting for my calls. I am packing to leave tomorrow. morning. early morning. There's a huge trek ahead of me. And most of the places this way do not have any exposure to the internet whatsoever. So Bingo! No more waiting. And then there's this possibility of spending the nights at places with some connectivity. So I'll give you a couple of missed calls whenever I can. This way you'll know I am safe. And I'll know that you're still mad at me. Which practically means that you still are thinking of me. A little. And we can both be happy. whatever being happy means that way. 

   Something happened today that shook me up. Diwakar died mysteriously. His body was found in Delhi. He was posted somewhere in Rajasthan when we last spoke. More than anything this is a reminder of how mortal we are, despite what we might think. 

   This place is such an irony. So beautiful yet so scary. So many people around. So many that any extra would be shot at sight :p, yet it's so lonely in here. As long as I am talking to you I am living in between phone calls. Working in between. Eating and bathing, and making sure that I am there when the next call comes through. And as long as you are mad, I am trying my best to spend that time that we don't speak in, to cover some far fetched posts which take almost a day to trek to and from. 

So organised and so haphazard. 

   The other day we had a kill, I was there. And then I was there when we were chased down by the bullets into our bunkers. We had a fight that day as well. It was me PMSing over some old stuff. You might wanna read this again. I can't believe it too. I was right there in the face of death and came out just to be ungrateful and take you for granted. I could go on with my sorries, and piss you off like I've been doing for the past few phone calls. I did upset you pretty bad. I want to tell you that it takes a little shaking to wake someone up from a deep slumber. I've experienced quite a few of those nudges over the past week. 

   I'm off to this long trek starting tomorrow. I need to go otherwise too. These people that I'll be visiting tomorrow onward will be having their first contact from the outside world in months. The last guy to have visited them was a miserable fuck who kept cursing the army the whole time he was there. I know this cuz I was that guy. Yeah, I am sorry to the core. 

    So I am leaving tomorrow. If my stars are good, I might just see you after one more week of surviving this. Hopefully see you. 

   Please don't waste any more of these precious 3 months before your AIIMS thing. 

   Please tell me what to do in order to not be nuisance and maybe even help.

The best thing about this world I am trapped in is that I am trapped in here with you.

   love you!

   -onesorryassboyfriend