Twenty-five

 Hi beautiful, 

I understand that you're going through something right now. 

I hope its not just the job or the covid thats eating you up.

You wanna know what changed after you told me a couple of new facts about your of your past?

This has changed. 

Earlier, after a fight like this I would've thought that the fight might be eating you up. You know since you're committed to me, and in my mind that commitment was based on a solid fact,  so since we had a fight, you must be worried. 

But now I know why that may not be happening.

You've never felt the pain of seeing me go. Not even a little anxiety over the possibility of me giving up on you. 

I used to think that on that night we got committed for good. You found the guy of your dreams and I found my girl. We were apart but we stood the test of time and we finally merged. 

Turns out that I was wrong. So wrong. 

The guy you loved,  the one from aakash, you gave up on him. You had your reasons and you did.

Then you met me, you had already given up on love. All this time and I couldn't convince you that love can exist. I have loved you since before you can imagine. It's not your fault that you never knew my side of the story. You didn't know cuz I never told you. But after June 2015 I did tell you a million times. Every time I was surprised that a girl so special as you is finding it so difficult to believe that someone is head over heels in love with her. 

You talk about me giving up bad habits for you...

Well you have bad habits too. The habit of postponing every important decision about us. 

Only someone who has never been in love, expect something in return for love. 

You never had the fear of losing me because you knew that it was never going to happen. Even if I do get insanely mad at you for something, it's you who would leave me first. 

I was always surprised when you used to simply break up after fights. Simply calling it off like it was nothing. I thought it was because you know you're PERFECT and you have simply decided that I don't deserve you. Even that was hurtful. I was brought face to face with the seriousness and sheer magnitude of my shortcomings. And I used to explain myself that maybe you saw some dark side in me through the female sixth sense and thus broke up with me. Afterwards I was left to guess, out of my list of known problems, what might have pushed you away. 

Now in the light of this news, I am left with a different kind of thoughts. 

When it comes to relationships, you think of yourself as a know it all. Thinking that you're  always in control. And worse yet, you think that you MUST always be in control. And therefore, wanting to always be in control, I think, you never committed to me. Never let your guard down. Never really FELL in love. Because what the hell is love if you have to practice your behaviors and conversations before actually having them with me. 

I honestly don't know what you think. How you think. 

But after 6 yrs I think I'm allowed to speculate. 

You think of relationships as binary. An eye for an eye. A kiss for a kiss. A deal for a deal. My sister tells me that a woman has to be cautious about these things. Because she'll soon be a mother and she must be careful with the choice of her partner. I think I can understand why you would want to be this way. Calculative. Prudent. Controlling. Holding your guard at all times. And then, you are going to be a working lady. So you feel the incessant need to be sure about every little detail. I'll give you that you're not wrong in expecting so.

But my sister told me a lot of other things too.

And I've met people, been to places, have had my own share of experiences.

I've realized that these kind of deals don't last. The plans never work out. A happy life is one where you live with the flexibility of having to change your path, make adjustments, find joy in the pain and eventually maybe you get there. But you don't wait for that day to start appreciating your life. Cuz very often people never get there. Depending on their age and maturity, people keep changing their destinations too. The happy people and the miserable ones, they all do that. There is no other way to live life than to choose the limitations you want in your life for yourself. Impose those limitations upon yourself for better or worse. But you do it for yourself and yourself alone. That makes you YOU. 

Once in a while someone comes along. Who understands YOU for yourself. Who spends some time getting to know you. In that time if you FEEL something, you open up. You let them know. Your weaknesses more than your strengths. Your fears. Your dreams. Your fantasies. And you let the other person do the same. 

You judge them fairly against your lifestyle and priorities. Before rejecting them, and more importantly, before accepting them you think hard. You take your time. You spend some sleepless nights. The days are suspenseful. There are butterflies in your tummy but the air around you smells of lilies. You finally open up to them. If your FEELINGS are real, then you are bound to have sleepless nights and butterflies. The more real the feelings, the worse is the suspense. You feel naked before that person. Yet you feel warm and safe. You let your heart out on the floor and hope to die. The feeling cannot be faked. You know it in your heart. 

Some people grow up learning to chase that feeling.  Others grow up to hate that feeling, to never let go. Some others are devastated from the last time they gave their hearts to someone else. 

Based on the type of person you are, you either embrace the feeling or you learn to be afraid of it. 

Or there is the slight possibility that you have had those feelings for so long they rot and decay inside of you. Making you afraid and calculative and mathematical in your relationships. Cuz maths doesn't go wrong. Right?

Wrong!

I loved YOU. For yourself. Yet you assumed that I don't. I must be mathematical too. Somewhere deep down there was a spark, I think I saw, but mathematical equations do not take them into account. 

You loved me. maybe you didn't. But I think you spent zero effort in getting to know me. And letting me know YOU.You thought you could begin fresh. Letting me know only those sides of you that you want me to know. And the sides that I saw were carefully chosen. No wonder you were afraid to share the university exams episode with me. Or a billion other small things which YOU thought didn't matter. As far as knowing me was concerned. You thought...." fuck it, bhot tiring hai. Nothing doing. Here are three conditions. Fulfill them and you're perfect, don't fulfill them and you can go to hell. I don't care about love. Go shove your love up your ass. I need your word on it before you say another word. "

See the problem is that you can't keep up an IMAGE with your life partner. 

No matter how honest you are with that image. 

And the solution is even  better....you don't need to.

If I had judged you, I really shouldn't be with you. 

And you really SHOULD have let me judge you just in time. 

And I should have too. I wanted to. I was shut up on the first and the second opportunity. I should've shown some spine? Well in the three conditions you threw at me... you already knew that I don't have a spine. Otherwise who the hell buys the crap that you sold me? And who commits to something like that overnight? NOBODY WITH A SPINE. 

Only someone desperate. We both got what we wanted that night. Without the other person really giving it to us. 

I got you and I thought you were happy with getting me too  

You got the deal and you thought I was happy with it too since my end of the deal is what I must have come for. 

Or maybe I think you might have thought something on the lines of..." Nope I don't wanna know YOU. Because I  think that if I get to know you I might not like what I see and then I'll have to let you go. Plus if I try to get to know you then I'll have to open up a little too. And you might leave me. So fuck feelings. Fuck the butterflies. Fuck the sleepless nights. Let's just focus on the deal. And make more deals as we go. Maybe even sign a prenuptial. Involve lawyers if it comes to it but I will not waste a single ATP on getting to know you."

There are chances that you're laughing at me thinking like that. 

You're allowed to. I am being hopelessly optimistic given the current situation. 

Maybe I myself don't want to accept the reality. 

That you weren't coming to me for the feeling. You had that episode in college with someone else. And you loved real hard. And they broke your heart. And by the time I came along... it was time to be practical. 

You ask me whats the significance of your past. 

I would've read the signs differently if I knew. I would've seen the deal for what it was. I wouldn't have been looking for glimpses of FEELING in your actions. Shit I wouldn't have been disappointed when I didn't get the needed responses from you.

I would've known that the FEELINGS don't matter. The facts do. Only the facts do. I wouldn't have ran down the stairs hoping to find you waiting for me. Instead I would've decided then and there that I will quit smoking or not.  

I wouldn't have even allowed my heart to panic at the thought of you with someone else. Like the obs exam. I would've better understood your theory of sex being a basic necessity. I always thought that you controlled for so fuckin long with so less hope. You can obviously hold on for some more time. Now that you I'm committed to you. 

When you kept probing about Sakshi I wouldn't have formed totally inappropriate opinions about you.  Instead I would've known that you're just looking for some peace of mind. And knowing that we're both on the same page would give you some solace. I would've maybe said something astonishing to make you forget all about your first time. 

Football is hard to follow along with work and med school. I would've told you that you being a fan of football wasn't THAT important to me as much as learning couple freestyle football with you was. 

The songs I love are actually good songs. Some of which you actually love. I have the exact same reactions to them as you.  That makes me love them even more. Sometimes you don't react and I don't feel bad because I really like music so I know that it takes more than just listening to it once to love a song.

I can take my time and track back every wrong thing back to that deal. 

But the facts don't change. 

You liked the guy who made the deal. And expected him to like you back as per the deal. 

Now that deal is off and have I lost you?

Nope. I have only lost the side of you that you gave me the privilege of knowing. 

The real you is still closed. 

Maybe nobody knows about it. Or maybe someone else knew about it because I was late in showing you my love. By the time I reached, you had closed the chapter on love with the guy who broke your heart. 

I still have a million questions. 

Like what were the juniors laughing about suddenly when I reached their floor.

What was that asshole grinning constantly about when we were standing there witnessing your convocation. 

Why were you so sure that someone like Annapoorna could break us up with a couple of words?? 

Many similar questions. 

I believe that not all these questions have the same heartbreaking answer. Some events may have been super trivial. You might even have wanted to share them with me. But it was safer to let me think what I was thinking. who's to say. You'll never let me know you.  You need to be in control. So you may keep the answers with you.

I felt the agony of feeling like a moron in each of these situations. And you let me feel it. You thought its a temporary and necessary pain I must endure in order ro stay with you.  Or you thought that I don't feel anything since I came for the deal and the only thing thats important is to keep the secret. Or, I dare say it out loud, maybe you thought nothing about all this at all since You were busy with important things. Much more important than the scale of my existence. 

I was there. The deal was there. The image was there. Whatever I was FEELING had to be bullshit. 

I had to believe what you said. I wanted to believe what you said. I believed what you said. And even though you were relieved that I believed....tell me something honestly...didn't you judge me to be a moron at that very moment for believing you like that? A little? Subconsciously?

Would you ever trust me with holding your kid when you know that I can trade my own life away like that?

I think that  you would never ever trust me with another girl cuz you know how easy it is to manipulate me. 

What you didn't realize ma'am was that I actually loved you. 

And so other girls can't do much. 

but in your opinion  it couldn't have been love right?

I think that In your mind I was doing what you were making me do. You never stopped to think that I actually loved doing that for you .

maybe you were too busy celebrating that your methods were working. The deal was working After all.

Everything would be happy ever after. 

Who said you need emotions for a relationship?

Who said you need to be honest in a relationship?

You can totally build up a 6 yrs and 5 months long relationship based on 4 basic rules. 

you must have thought that you cracked the code. 

Well I believe that what started on June 5th 2015 wasn't a relationship. 

I don't need you or anyone else in my life right  now. 

I quit smoking that day, out of love. 

Had I continued to stay clean you would have always had the impression that you WANTED to have. You got what you wanted. Based on your calculations. That your planning was perfect. That life is all about deals and more deals. If there was any teenie tiny respect I felt I got from you was for only for following these three conditions. NOTHING else about me even matters. It never did. Like a monkey jumping in a circus with all his efforts and people looking the other way.

If it was all about the conditions you would be really upset right now. 

In that case there's nothing I can  do to help you since I'm the one hurting you. All I can say is that plan better the next time. And if you decide to start with a lie, then do everything in your power to keep the lie alive. Goes for both of us. Itne efforts se FEELING nahi aati. So we shouldn't stray from the track. Keep lying. Day and night. Maintain the lie. Cuz if we get greedy and suddenly want a little bit of FEELING too, we'll destroy the deal. And since deal is all that matters to us we'll be devastated. 

Feeling ke liye mehnat karni hoti hai. Palpitations experience karne hote hain. Deals ko destroy hote hue dekhna hota hai. Saath mein. Holding hands. Laughing about the deal later at night. Because FEELING is the only real thing. We can't lie to ourselves. And that catches on sooner ot later. Sui atak jaati hai wahaan jaa kar. 

Nevertheless 

You were right to expect those things from me. 

I betrayed you. 

I'm sorry. 

"Think not that you can guide the course of love, for love if it finds you, will guide your course. " 

Kahlil Gibran