Letter Eleven!

DREAMS.


Hi Yukti!
I'm here again. Had a really bad start today. Due to all the fighting. Though what happened in the afternoon was really affirming. I know it takes a huge toll on you to prove your love to me in words ever time I have one of these attacks of paranoia. I'm calling it that cuz that's how I'd like to think of it. Cuz again acknowledging that there's a different problem than me being paranoid will make me go crazy for sure.
God I miss you so much. Every happen person I see these days seems to be from a different world. A world where people stay with their loved ones while making a living and working towards a better world for others. Can't imagine being happy without you. Even now when you set things straight, I am tension free but happiness continues to elude me. It's not fair. I did all that people said I should. Worked hard. Then harder. Then when I found you, I realized that all my material achievements were just a qualifying criteria to be able to build the confidence to stand next to you. As a partner. Meeting you was my biggest reward. And now that I passed another series of mind numbing exams, "toughest exams under the sun" as people in our profession call it, I have arrived at another crossroads. Living my hard earned life without you. It's no good at all. I see people boasting about becoming an officer, hear Rohit sing himself to sleep every night, over zealous people discussing cases on the table during meals... I feel sick to the stomach. How the hell are people so happy. Except Aaditya nobody has anything by my standards. I try to be happy. Going beyond my comfort zone and trying to join them in their boring or should I say prosaic conversations. But it never works out. I fall back to you.
Today during the surgery, I decided I won't carry my phone. So I went inside. Super attentive to everything that was going on. And I was rewarded. Sir asked me to scrub and join him. It's a privilege to be working alongside this Gem of a person and a freakin Magasaysay award  deserving surgeon. And I started. 10 mins into the surgery when we couldn't find the gall bladder, he said "chirag tu dekh ek baar". It took me another 10 minutes to find it and when I did, I even identified it to be a choledochal cyst. Sir doesn't compliment much so he just gave me a "look" and I was happy for a moment. Then I remember thinking about doing it by myself sometime. Returning home feeling great about myself. And then cooking for you till you return and them lying on the bed snuggled up with you, waiting for you to ask me why I can't stop smiling and then me narrating the whole choledochal cyst finding story to you.
And then I remember Sharma sir waking me up from the dream saying, "yaar suction pakda SUCTION".
YES! I do live in deams. Not always but I do take a break, consciously when I'm in the phone with you, and when I'm not then my subconscious kinda forces me to get my dose of you. What else can I do when I'm this miserable. Away from you. Sue me for dreaming too much if you can but know this...this is what I do best. Dream extra fuckin vagantly and then make em come true.
That's how I got here. And that's how I'll get you.
If I lived in reality, if at all I were the prude you keep asking me to be, I'd have settled for some 1-crore-girl from Bihar and never dreamt of a dream girl at all.
My dreams are not all that stupid all the time. They do come true. Pinch yourself and see... You do exist don't you?
-Lt. Sharma!

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