Letter Ten!
Hi yukti,
I'm here sitting in the ADMO room by myself, trying to keep myself busy after a boring day.
Thinking of new things to add to my life like reading voraciously. Or bringing back the old things like squash. Frustrating as it sounds it got the best of me as well. And I decided to call you.
You were out. Didn't say where. Nor did I ask. Though it did build a lump in my throat. But I think I lost the right to expect things out of you long back. Maybe when I smoked before you. Or maybe when I came this far to work. Or maybe I never had that right. Probably it's just my narrow mindedness catching up again. Who said I had the right to expect things from you. Maybe it started when you asked me to stop smoking or drinking. And I thought he'll Yeah. I'll do that for you in return for what you do for me. And then I gradually started expecting things from you in RETURN for my commitment. However it started, I should let you know that I condemn it. And as you might have seen I have already stopped pointing things out to you. Maybe one day I'll get over it altogether. Things like you hanging out with other guys won't bother me at all. Although I have no freakin idea how that's even gonna be possible. All I know is that I have to get there.
Ever since I came here you've been giving me those taunts or if you're not in the mood for it, you just settle for a cold treatment for my moving to Jodhpur. I'm helpless about it. You know that. But I like to hear you say those things cuz I knew that if it hurts then it's only because you care. Now it's been a while since you last taunted me. And from what I know about you, it's very unlikely that it's because you understand my situation. I don't wanna mention what I think is going on cuz that would mean acknowledging it and that's in a way contributing to making my worst fears come true.
I changed my whatsapp dp after a week today. The one that had me and you in it. Dunno about you but every time I looked at it, all I could see was a girl standing next to an embodiment of false promises. Yeah I said that. I did make a lot of false promises. A lot of em. Although in my defense I really thought I'll make things work. But facts are here to support how white lies they were.
I think you're over me. Big time. The reason you're not telling me is because you think I might do something stupid. Well if what I think is true then I did something stupid a long long time ago. When I gave you my heart. But that's an irreversible thing.
This is just my side of the story.
Maybe you feel the same about me. That I crushed all your dreams of being a lucky girlfriend when you fell for me. And that there's no way of getting out of this without hurting me so that practically makes you a prisoner. I couldn't agree more that you actually are one. What's worse is that I am one too. If I were the ideal patient guy, you could easily tell me how you feel and move out. Now since you care and I know you do, you don't wanna leave me hanging and so you can't live your life easily.
Well if I was that patient guy I just mentioned, you wouldn't be in this mess right now.
What you said about this relationship being hopeless, how you remember now that the guy living seconds away from you loved you so much, how calling me now feels nothing more than a drill, man it stings the ear like a damn bee.
This letter is the only place I feel I have to be honest after a whole day of lying and begging God to let you be mine.
But now I don't think that you are. And guessing from the way you deny it, I don't think you know how near I wanted you to be. And how far you've come. Or what that's doing to me.
Hope! One heavy word. That's all I have.
I'm sorry I robbed you of that as well.
- Lt. Sharma
I'm here sitting in the ADMO room by myself, trying to keep myself busy after a boring day.
Thinking of new things to add to my life like reading voraciously. Or bringing back the old things like squash. Frustrating as it sounds it got the best of me as well. And I decided to call you.
You were out. Didn't say where. Nor did I ask. Though it did build a lump in my throat. But I think I lost the right to expect things out of you long back. Maybe when I smoked before you. Or maybe when I came this far to work. Or maybe I never had that right. Probably it's just my narrow mindedness catching up again. Who said I had the right to expect things from you. Maybe it started when you asked me to stop smoking or drinking. And I thought he'll Yeah. I'll do that for you in return for what you do for me. And then I gradually started expecting things from you in RETURN for my commitment. However it started, I should let you know that I condemn it. And as you might have seen I have already stopped pointing things out to you. Maybe one day I'll get over it altogether. Things like you hanging out with other guys won't bother me at all. Although I have no freakin idea how that's even gonna be possible. All I know is that I have to get there.
Ever since I came here you've been giving me those taunts or if you're not in the mood for it, you just settle for a cold treatment for my moving to Jodhpur. I'm helpless about it. You know that. But I like to hear you say those things cuz I knew that if it hurts then it's only because you care. Now it's been a while since you last taunted me. And from what I know about you, it's very unlikely that it's because you understand my situation. I don't wanna mention what I think is going on cuz that would mean acknowledging it and that's in a way contributing to making my worst fears come true.
I changed my whatsapp dp after a week today. The one that had me and you in it. Dunno about you but every time I looked at it, all I could see was a girl standing next to an embodiment of false promises. Yeah I said that. I did make a lot of false promises. A lot of em. Although in my defense I really thought I'll make things work. But facts are here to support how white lies they were.
I think you're over me. Big time. The reason you're not telling me is because you think I might do something stupid. Well if what I think is true then I did something stupid a long long time ago. When I gave you my heart. But that's an irreversible thing.
This is just my side of the story.
Maybe you feel the same about me. That I crushed all your dreams of being a lucky girlfriend when you fell for me. And that there's no way of getting out of this without hurting me so that practically makes you a prisoner. I couldn't agree more that you actually are one. What's worse is that I am one too. If I were the ideal patient guy, you could easily tell me how you feel and move out. Now since you care and I know you do, you don't wanna leave me hanging and so you can't live your life easily.
Well if I was that patient guy I just mentioned, you wouldn't be in this mess right now.
What you said about this relationship being hopeless, how you remember now that the guy living seconds away from you loved you so much, how calling me now feels nothing more than a drill, man it stings the ear like a damn bee.
This letter is the only place I feel I have to be honest after a whole day of lying and begging God to let you be mine.
But now I don't think that you are. And guessing from the way you deny it, I don't think you know how near I wanted you to be. And how far you've come. Or what that's doing to me.
Hope! One heavy word. That's all I have.
I'm sorry I robbed you of that as well.
- Lt. Sharma
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