Twenty One

 Hi there Beautiful,

   It's been 24 hrs since you officially called it off. It is a new experience I'll admit. Over these ten years of knowing you I have often wondered how I'll ever take it when you left me. Don't get me wrong. I never imagined living without you. But you being you, have broken up with me a million times before. Some of those times felt almost as real as this. And I have had really varied experiences. I think I have lived through the entire spectrum of Psychiatric illnesses. Panic attacks in college, acute anxiety episodes in Babina, a full blown nervous breakdown before the obs exam. But then you always came back. And came back with such force that I forgot all about it, until the next time you broke up. But even then the old experiences stayed old. They'd never surface. Every fucked up break up was a new experience. A new trauma that you'd pull me out of. Every time I'd discover something new and ugly about me. And every time when you came back you made me not hate myself so much for it. But then all those times weren't real tragedies. I came out with a clear conscience every time cuz you made me feel so. Plus YOU were there. To hug me. And breathe on me. Make me feel I was still on the safe side of the line. All in a flash. I'd see you and forget it all. Forgive you. Forgive myself. Maybe even joke about it. Man I was hopelessly in love. And love never disappointed me. It'd surface on your face too. Every time.

   This time? I am not myself, and you are not yourself. I was in another world for a very long time. And I've just now started to realize that I have no clue how you held yourself together all this while.

   Back where I was, I'd see people cry for no reason. They'd break down just by the sight of the view outside their rooms. The unending stretch of white in every direction played all sorts of tricks on them until the realization would hit them, "we may die here". Not me. Not for three months at least. I felt lucky. Cuz I had you. I never had a breakdown. Hell I was the ideal doctor for them. I'd talk to them, sprinkle some hope, spread your love, remind them of the beautiful things in life, all because I had you. I think I saved a few lives there...through you. I am confident that I would've perished if not for you. 

   But I also know that I am not superman. So what they say about the glaciers taking something from you for every day that you stay there, is true. It's time tested. I would not even attempt to deny that. Initially I thought it's gonna be my legs or my brain that might bear the brunt. So I'd get scared and take Aspirin in inadvisable amounts to keep the blood flowing. Nothing was going to go wrong with my mind of course cuz I had your calls, and letters and parcels and your vibes. I could feel you there. Not once did I question myself about how you're taking it all. You didn't let me. You were stronger than a rock on the outside. So I just focused on surviving. You were the reason and the means. You were wonderful. For the first three months  you never complained one bit, which I think is because you were told that it's all the time I'm gonna be there for. And I was wonderful too. Cuz I had planned for the three months. Whatever planning means for a place like that. In those three months too I'd have these anxiety episodes. But  they'd quickly go away. Cuz you were there. In my mind. 

   What I should've seen is that you hadn't planned for all this. Before, your life was a morose repetition of classes and books and studies which must've turned into an extra-morose repetition of waiting and worrying all day. Because of me. You tried to be positive about it. Never complained. Never told me or anyone how much you were hurting. But you were human. And you ran out of patience. You had to. I should've seen that. 

   You're right. With all the statistics and news on the TV, I couldn't possibly know what it feels to live one's life in constant fear of losing the one person you care so much about. Maybe I'd have known if instead of breaking down in all those instances I had sat down and analysed my feelings. But every time I felt low, I'd go crying to you and you made it alright. I never really had to live through the agony. I never manned up. Never took responsibility or made hard decisions. You were there. And you kept the hope alive. 

   Now I am beginning to realize that with Siachen I broke more than a few records in mountaineering.

   I broke  your heart. 

   Everyday. For months. While you waited. Burdened by uncertainty, and sick freakin thoughts playing in your head on repeat. Being you, you did try to do the practical and human thing, and tried to move on. But again being you, you never pursued it. Instead of unloading, you buried yourself in guilt. Dedicated your awesome life to a hopeless sucker in another universe. Pinned all your hopes on the unknown. Lived every conscious hour in fear until one day it was too much. It must've come suddenly one day. Or insidiously. I wouldn't know. A cry for help from your soul. To stop tormenting yourself so much. To avoid a potential breakdown. 

   With nobody around you to share the burden. Living in a household where everyone has their own battle to fight each day, you must've felt so alone. Powerless. Can't cry. Can't so much as appear sad. While the hollowness in your heart slowly ate at any hope that was left. The string that held us together was stretched beyond limits. While I was oblivious in my battle for survival, my life, my existence grew more and more blurry with each passing day. Until one day, you must've snapped. A voice calling from within saying "fuck it! before it fucks  you up."

   But being you. You understood that I was human too. So you took your time with me. Easing me into the reality that it was over. You let me take all the time I wanted to come to terms with it. Made sure nobody else in my family had to deal with the monster you've seen in me when I am back from such places. Made sure of all the things you could, to help me move on. To make sure that I moved on.

THANK YOU! But no thank you. 

   You see, Siachen did take something from me. I just didn't know it. I was so happy celebrating having both my legs intact, that I didn't see the void that had built up between us. 

   On the contrary, I thought the glaciers had actually given me something instead of taking from me. As always everything is about me. I have to come out feeling special. And so I did. I thought, rather believed, with all my mind and heart that I had finally found the clarity. About you, about us, about the rest of my life.

   I was never more sure about you. All the doubts that I ever had about you, about our relationship were gone. I was clear in my head about my road to salvation. I knew that this girl whom I call my girlfriend is all I'm gonna need to fit the pieces together and see my life come to life. I knew what I wanted from life for every second of my remaining time on earth. I was ecstatic. I wrote it down. And sang it. And drew it. Saw it come to life in my head every single day and every night. It was always you. This time I was coming back for the real deal. To stop making mistakes. I stopped eating shit that you don't like. I saw the world through your eyes, and loved what I saw. I promised myself to stop disappointing you at anything however trivial it was. I was sorted. 

   Obviously all that realization about how far you must've drifted was nowhere in my head. I had taken you for granted. Thought that you were equally sorted. I was wrong to think that. More importantly I was wrong to put you through so much unwarranted misery. I could've still realized that, provided I wasn't falling more and more in love with you every day since I came down. Even more when you were on the mission to make me realize that it was all over. All I saw was a beautiful place to fall. My beautiful place. I was too busy realizing that you actually were every thing I thought you'd be. I was complementing myself about being right about you since the day I saw you. Instead of realizing that you were miserable. Since God knows when. Cuz the same God knows that I've been this blinded jerk since forever. Putting you in such situations since forever. Ignoring your expectations out of this relationship, since freakin forever. I was so selfish. So happy with you that I never saw that I was smothering your life out of you. 

   Anyway, ever since I've been back, this is my first night alone. And I can't sleep. I tried to, and the weirdest shit happened. I woke up an hour later, jumping out of a nightmare. I saw that sometime long ago a rabid dog bit me. But the dog wasn't so rabid so the doctors said that I wouldn't die straightaway. I would instead live a happy life until one day suddenly I'll turn rabid too. Ugly and skinny. Saliva drooling out my mouth. I would roam around unaware of my condition. And then one day in my attempt to reach out to a beautiful thing, I would destroy it just by touching it. And it was lying there dying. I was watching over it. In denial that I couldn't possibly be this fucked up to destroy something that beautiful in a heartbeat. While it lay there dying, I smelled something reeking from within me. It smelled of a rabid dog. I was the rabid dog.  And I woke up. It seemed like I had been sleeping for more than 24 hrs cuz it was only an hour later yet I felt like it was eternity. I'm not sure if I should try to sleep anymore. 

   Half my life went by thinking I was perfect. 

   Until one night I woke up only to find, 

   that I wasn't. More so I had destroyed a beautiful thing

   you were so tender and loving and kind.

-chirag