Twenty Two

Hi there beautiful, 

   Another overwhelming night. Nothing serious happened today except for the fact that you texted me. Obviously like a total stranger. Talking business. That and I was told to empty my quarantine accommodation today. So tomorrow is gonna be a long difficult day. But that's besides the point. 

   

Ever since you decided to pull the plug on our relationship, I've been sad and anxious and all things bad. I could't really pin point what the problem was. What is it that you did to me that's missing so badly. All my favorite things stopped being my favorite suddenly. Time won't go by. I can't sleep. I can't stay up. 

 

  The longings quickly gave way to anger, and anger, instead of leading to hatred, led to more longings. 

 

  I tried to think about it objectively. What is it that you're gonna do with your phone calls and messages that'll make my life bearable? You're not much of a sweet-talker. You've never been. You never needed to be. Yet what is it about your "hi!" that brightens my day? It is not even that long a sentence for me to get some solace in hearing your voice. 

  

 And this begs another question too. What is it about this place that makes me cry like a baby? What is it about this organisation? Cuz again, thinking objectively and statistically, this is the safest and the highest paying job for someone like me. The work alone should light an everlasting flame of positivity in me. I should be dripping satisfaction and hope and all the good feelings. Why's that missing? And why is that not missing in the other people here? 

  

 Why do I need you tell me that I'm alive to feel alive myself? 

I DON'T HAVE A CLUE. 

   

   But I know this. This evening I wanted to step out and get some air. And rinse my mind off the anxiety that flooded it soon as I was told of tomorrow's plans. But I was scared. Scared of what? Again I don't know. Maybe of my boys looking at me and seeing right through me. That I was too weak to command them. Maybe. But I was scared. And you texted a nonchalant message. There was nothing in the message. Just a picture, which wasn't your face either. But I saw the phone flash your name. And I was ready. I went out, and put up a face that I know would have let the troops know who's in charge. 

  

   Although I get the feeling that I shouldn't tell you how dependent I am on you. Despite...everything. 

   I feel I can no longer depend on you to be my soft place to fall. 

   I am back to feeling hollow again. But I am glad that you texted.  

   I wasn't weak today. And I know that I won't be weak tomorrow. 

-chirag