letterstomissjain

hi there Miss Regretful!    I call you that cuz you're more full of that than any other feeling in how world right now. And it's only justified. After all you did meet a guy who lives in his fantasy world. He don't care about the naysayers...well that's something you appreciated, but then he goes on to not care about the realistic challenges you thought he would. Like thinking before getting a posting away from you. Not making you a part in his struggle. Not deliberately at least. And then not asking you to f***in WAIT. That's the most annoying thing of all.    I know that cuz I hate waiting too. And it wasn't an epiphany that made me realize that you might hate waiting as well. It was a nice long period of your ignoring me that did. And I'd like to let you to know at this point that it actually did work. I don't care if people or even you yourself think that I'm such a loser for taking my life's instructions from you. I don't care. Cuz I...

   Hi Miss Jain,    had a stupid discussion with you about my life plans today. And now I sit cursing myself for ever breaking them to you. It's never the question of whether you support me in this endeavor or not. To be honest, this behavior of yours, this particular way of dealing with situations, is what keeps me grounded. Not letting me slip too lose. To a point of no return, what psychiatrists call "chronic delusional disorder". Basically you're the one helping me keeping it real.    But you should know this. There's no way that I am going to live as miserably as I was born. I still may not know much about you, but I know that you have tasted the bad days like I have. And if not the process, you're definitely gonna support me if you had the vision of the results. But then again, you're prudent enough to not tie your hopes to chance. And far from blaming you, I rather appreciate it. More than you think I do. So thank you for sticking it out so far. ...

DREAMS. Hi Yukti! I'm here again. Had a really bad start today. Due to all the fighting. Though what happened in the afternoon was really affirming. I know it takes a huge toll on you to prove your love to me in words ever time I have one of these attacks of paranoia. I'm calling it that cuz that's how I'd like to think of it. Cuz again acknowledging that there's a different problem than me being paranoid will make me go crazy for sure. God I miss you so much. Every happen person I see these days seems to be from a different world. A world where people stay with their loved ones while making a living and working towards a better world for others. Can't imagine being happy without you. Even now when you set things straight, I am tension free but happiness continues to elude me. It's not fair. I did all that people said I should. Worked hard. Then harder. Then when I found you, I realized that all my material achievements were just a qualifying criteria ...

Hi yukti, I'm here sitting in the ADMO room by myself, trying to keep myself busy after a boring day. Thinking of new things to add to my life like reading voraciously. Or bringing  back the old things like squash. Frustrating as it sounds it got the best of me as well. And I decided to call you. You were out. Didn't say where. Nor did I ask. Though it did build a lump in my throat. But I think I lost the right to expect things out of you long back. Maybe when I smoked before you. Or maybe when I came this far to work. Or maybe I never had that right. Probably it's just my narrow mindedness catching up again. Who said I had the right to expect things from you. Maybe it started when you asked me to stop smoking or drinking. And I thought he'll Yeah. I'll do that for you in return for what you do for me. And then I gradually started expecting things from you in RETURN for my commitment. However it started, I should let you know that I condemn it. And as you might ...